My first post!! Critique needed... please

[Krista]

Ignorance is bliss, that's what they tell me,
As I amble a probing abyss hazily,
Their grating harmony seems unstoppable,
Its sprawling streets seem unaccountable.

I shan't disturb your ignorant sleep: my culled deer,
For your golden silence shall deafen 'twixt my fear,
Ignorance is bliss, apparently.

[BenJohnson]

Personally I find it rather abstract. I imagine that this has a fuller meaning for you as the writer than it does to me as a reader. For example 'amble a probing abyss hazily' no doubt can be fully explained by you, but to a reader who is coming on this by themselves they will be asking what is the abyss? why/how does it probe? how do you amble an abyss? why hazily? After this sentence I'm greeted by 'their' who are they? next line I have 'it's' is this the abyss? does an abyss have streets?

You seem to be following a sort of rhyme scheme a,a,b,b,c,c,a except unstoppable and unaccountable don't rhyme. In line 6 you seem to drop into ye olde poetical speak 'deafen 'twixt my fear'.

Please don't take this as me being harsh I am merely telling you how this come over as a reader who doesn't know you and has no foreknowledge of what the elements of the poem mean. I wrote stacks of poems which made perfect sense to me only to have people I showed them to scratch their heads. I find now it can help to visualise who you are intending to read this e.g. only you, friends and family, the world at large. does that audience need to know more than the poem currently contains if so the poem should contain enough to help them grasp it. If the intended audience is already knowledgeable on a subject then you can add less. Getting the balance right between enough information and too much, not leaving the audience empty or confused and not treating them like they are babies that need every little thing explained is a tough trick, but makes a poem so much better when achieved.

By the way welcome to the forum and I look forward to reading more of your poems.

[bastet]

hello and welcome :)
..and apologies - i am not at all sure what the poem is about..
..ignorance can be bliss i guess-but often it doesnt last long and the fallout can be devastating.

i did prefer and like the second part of the piece though :)

[human]

Welcome to tpf!!! :)