My Poem

[sid_r10]

Please don't be as harsh as I am still new here and this is my first poem that I am writing for anyone here.
Please tell me what you think, thank you!

It's called 'Dark Streets'

Walking through a dark street
passing by hard creeps/

that follow me like the shadow
the darkness that's coming and making me hollow/

I turn the corner and see more
surrounding me and pushing as a time-passing show/

it's the darkness that gets them
everyone's affected you and your friends/

and it tends to worsen
trading words for cursin'
plus they hurtin'
why can't it not stop this lurkin'/

sometime soon expect wreck
and imagine death as the next step/

because what you see is what you believe
and I believe that we all trying to succeed
and to live a dream to step on a scene
to hear people cheer and scream out your name
everyone wants fame life's like a game
taking it step by step, avoiding shame
but when I close my eyes I can still feel the pain
thinking that I have nothing to gain/

I'm trying hard peeps
to get away from the dark streets/


So is it any good, BTW I just made it as I went along, so do I have that instinct thing, you know?
Creating that picture if ya know what I mean? lol.
Peace.

[*sarah*]

Hello, I think this belongs in the song writing forum, as it reads like a rap to me...or if it is definetly a poem, it should be in one of the poetry forums.
I would suggest trying a version that doesn't rhyme if it is a poem, not that I have anything against rhyme, but I think it is hampering the potential of this piece...but the rhyme works for a rap...

Walking through a dark street
passing by hard creeps/

they follow me like shadows,
the darkness that's coming it makes me hollow/

I turn the corner and see more
surrounding me and pushing as a time-passing show/
Not quite getting this image..

it's the darkness that gets them
everyone's affected you and your friends/

and it tends to worsen
trading words for cursin'
plus they hurtin'
why can't it not stop this lurkin'/
for the last line, what about...they can't stop this lurkin

sometime soon expect a wreck
and imagine death as the next step/

because what you see is what you believe
and I believe that we all trying to succeed
and to live a dream to step on a scene
to hear people cheer and scream out your name
everyone wants fame life's like a game
taking it step by step, avoiding shame
but when I close my eyes I can still feel the pain
thinking that I have nothing to gain/

I'm trying hard peeps
to get away from the dark streets/

My suggestions are meant to help you improve and aren't meant as harsh corrections...
p.s this forum is for quoting lyrics and others words...

[Missy]

You stick to your theme well, and you contrast anonymaty [spello] with fame well:coffee: