Have a read..... if you wish

[JamesH]

My name is James im 17..... enjoy writing the odd poem and i dont have any real style as such but i would like to think i had flair =]

all criticism welcome... only makes you think about it more

A Quantum of solace

I’m left within the ruins
Of my own doings.
I opened the chamber
But she was just too close.
For comfort,
I am unable to solicit sympathy.
I have no armour left.
She stripped it from me.
The world is not enough
For her.
I attempted to leave
With little soul left to salvage.
Float above her, below her,
Float with her.
In fact I was left on my own
Floating.
I was shaken when
I next stirred.
And hoped the grass
Was ever greener
On the other side.
But the sun was set, it
Was winter; the grass was dead,
Like our love.
I tried to forget,
Attempted to brush her off,
Get her out of my head.
The bitch is dead.
And it’s hard to trust
Even myself anymore
Because my luck changed
At the Casino Royale.
And to look in those eyes was
The hardest thing I had to do.
Confront the woman I loved,
Who had played me for the fool.
I suffered for her and was repaid
With a stab in the back
From the most subtle of knives.
I’ve finally broken the bond.
It’s all gone.
James… Bang…
Gone.

Thanks James

[Yog]

Welcome, I hope you enjoy your stay.

As to the poem:

I was thinking the title should use quanta instead of quantum but it looks as if the definitions have changed slightly and quantum is now correct. At any rate the concept of a discrete packet of solace is intriguing.

You might want to consider some stanza breaks. This is just an idea, but the poem seems to break in concept at or near the following stanza breaks.

I’m left within the ruins
Of my own doings.
I opened the chamber
But she was just too close.
For comfort,

I am unable to solicit sympathy.
I have no armour left.
She stripped it from me.

The world is not enough
For her.
I attempted to leave
With little soul left to salvage.
Float above her, below her,
Float with her.
In fact I was left on my own
Floating.

I was shaken when
I next stirred.
And hoped the grass
Was ever greener
On the other side.
But the sun was set, it
Was winter; the grass was dead,
Like our love.

I tried to forget,
Attempted to brush her off,
Get her out of my head.
The bitch is dead.
And it’s hard to trust
Even myself anymore
Because my luck changed
At the Casino Royale.

And to look in those eyes was
The hardest thing I had to do.
Confront the woman I loved,
Who had played me for the fool.
I suffered for her and was repaid
With a stab in the back
From the most subtle of knives.
I’ve finally broken the bond.
It’s all gone.
James… Bang…
Gone.

Other than that this was good. It was representative of life and offered a slightly different take on the topic than is normally presented. A worthwhile first effort.

[JamesH]

I did at first have stanza breaks in similar to the places you have mentioned. However, i think the poem has a faster tempo without. The faster tempo leads to the persona of the character which is action packed.

If you have not already guessed the poem is written from the viewpoint of James Bond. Hence the title; A Quantum of Solace (which is the next Bond film). If you haven't picked up the allusions to Bond please let me know =]

thanks for the reply,

James

[smorzando]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

About your poem, I DID pick up the allusions to James Bond, but I didn't figure it out until I saw Casino Royale.

Hope to see you around.

smorz.

[kevo the poet]

Hey James

Though you are a young writer you are already developing a unique style! I can clearly see this.

Re hurting i empathise with you, this has affected your writing stance and style.

Have been searching through forums for more of your works to review if you could guide me to them be great.